FORT MILL,SC (Rusty Nut Press Intl)
Ashton Kutcher, loathed host and founder of the MTV smash hit Punk'd, where upon Hollywood's 'B' list fall victim to elaborate and inhumane hoaxes in hopes of catching them having full mental breakdowns in front of the camera, fell victim to his own brand of 'humor' this weekend when he and long time supposed girlfriend, seasoned Hollywood hardbody Demi Moore, had a private, small ceremony at a local church to ligitimize their now famous cradle robbing relationship in the eyes of God once and for all.
In attendance for the union were Ashton's immediate family and a few friends including all of his That '70's shows co-actors, Demi's 3 children from her marriage with the one time Moonlighting series star Bruce Willis as well as Mr. Willis himself.
The ceremony was quiet, calm and all going according to plan. Mr. Kutcher looked deep into his 36-24-36 bride to be's eyes when it came time to affirm his affection and, holding back tears, mouthed an almost silent but deeply heartfelt "I do". The attending minister then turned toward the former brat pack starlet of such films as The New Homeowner's Guide to Happiness and Parasite and asked if she in turn took the star of the soon to be released on DVD only Dude Where's My Car Now to ber lawfully wedded husband.
"Oh Hell No!!!" came her energetic and over the top response.
With that, several movie cameras emerged from behind the church organ and strategically displayed bouquettes. All in attendance who had up till this point been sitting quietly in their pews jumped up and started high fiving eachother and began a barrage of 'whoops' and 'hell yeah!'s
"You just been punk'd bitch!" shouted an exuberant and vibrant Moore "Sit your ass down!!"
Ashton looked around like a deer caught in headlights to see his mother and father dancing joyously in the aisle.
Within seconds, Demi's oldest daughter, who stands a full 2 inches taller than Ashton, was all up in his sunken grill "You aint my daddy! You aint nobody punk!" While her younger two children danced in circles arm in arm chanting "Daddy's gonna kick your aaaaaass! Daddy's gonna kick your aaaaaass!"
Meanwhile a usually tough and poised Willis was seen wetting himself while rolling on his back behind the alter in tearful uncontrollable laughter.
A while later outside the church after things had settled down, while Ashton sat on the steps, head in hands, with teal blue cumberbun soaked in tears, Demi and Bruce explained the situation.
"Bruce and I have never been broken up. This was all an elaborate set up from the beginning" beamed Demi, best known for her pole warming abilities evident in Strip Tease "We saw this little twit making his way up the Hollywood ladder years ago and just knew he was going to have to be taken down a notch. So we staged our breakup, went our separate ways, traumatized the kids (they weren't in on it until just a few days ago), then I picked the right time to swing these store bought milks in his direction. He was putty in my hands after that."
A urine soaked Bruce chimed in "I remember her calling me from her cell phone while locked in the bathroom, she was traumatized by the lack of manhood he was packing when they were ready to the deed the first time"
"That's right. I remember that now! I told him I didn't think I was going to be able to go through with this for 2 years. That was the timeline we had set up when we first started planning this back in 1996. Up to this point we were right on schedule, but now I wanted to back out."
"It's funny, cause up to that point I wasn't sure I was going to be able to go through with it. But when she told me the part about his johnson rod being more of a johnson led pencil, it was at that point that I knew we had made the right decision. So I talked her back into it."
"Oh my God! Oh my God Bruce! remember when I called you after he told me the first time he loved me? I was SOOOO about to lose my shit right then and there! Seriously, I almost blew it at that moment."
At this point a whole new series of whaling starts up from the direction of the star of My Boss' Daughter much in the way the actor cried on screen when Laura Prepon's character,Donna kicked his character, Kelso, square in the nuts on the long running Fox series That 70's Show. Or when Danny Masterson's character, Hyde, shot Kelso in the ass with a BB gun.
"But we can't take all the credit for this." offered a now more serious Willis (no relation to the Todd Bridges' character from Different Strokes) "We wouldn't have been able to pull this off without the complete cooperation and commitment from his family and all his coworkers. Seriously, so many people were in on this that it is a miracle that word didn't get leaked out."
Ms. Moore matched his tone "Oh, and MTV. They helped us stage some documents that he signed which gives us all entitlement to the show's title Punk'd. Of course, this little ass wiping session here will be the season's opener next month."
"But now you'll have to excuse us" Bruce said as he was offered yet another high five from Ashton's father, "I have to give this little woman some lovin' the likes of which she hasn't experienced in two years."
"Two VERY long years!" added the blushing bride not to be.
Meanwhile Ashton continued to sob on the church steps, watching his love walk away with her ex husband as That 70's Show costar Wilder Valderrama (Fez) continued to raz him "Thee? You not tho tuff! Are you little thithy girlman?" |
