I'M TO BE SOLD! HOW TO DO THE APPLY?

With my resume on a few of the job seeking websites I am susseptible (feel free to correct my spelling Sissy B, you need a job too) to the occasional 'odd' job offer. Strangely enough, I wasn't being offered the job of 'proof reader' or 'translator'. Dear Mr\Mrs We are glad to take you invitation in possible cooperation with our company and build successful business together. You personally were selected among big quantity of pretendents by our HR managers looking through your resume and Curriculum Vitae at the job seeking websites. Our managers did this choice, because it seemed to them that you are the most suitable candidate for work in our team. Our business group, PFS Inc, is looking for cooperative, efficient people with the reliable attitude to job. That is why, we would wish to see you a member of our team. The email goes on for paragraphs like this with essentially no description of duties, job title, or even the business'... uh, business. All I can deduce is that apparently my skills are fairly high in demand in the 'escrow' field in Poland. However, I will agree that I am an 'efficient person with the reliable attitude to job'. How many people can say that?!

A WEEK IN THE HOSPITAL AND A DESTROYED MARIA

Is what some people were probably expecting (if not hoping) would be the title of my next post after a week of no word from us here at The Nut. Well, Maria did get a flat tire and I did burn myself (again) on her tailpipe. Other than that, nothing much to report. Doing a bunch of the applying for the jobs in the Colorado. Trying to make the ends meet in the bad economy. Laughing at the idiotic soundbites from the Bush (high gas prices are a good thing; it's causing Americans to drive less) and The McCain (trouble in the Iraq Pakistan border region *look at a map if that's not immediately funny to you*). Working extra hours trying to keep myself out of trouble (and the emergency room). Seeing New Monsoon Thursday night, Widespread Panic Saturday and Mark Knopfler Tuesday. Did I mention that I got me and Aspen VIP seats for Indigo Girls in September? She's excited for that. Honestly, I can't think of anything else to bore you all with. I sit out in the hammock and either read, listen to tunes or watch South Park each evening. The hammock's big enough for 2 if anyone wants to venture this direction at all. But I can't promise you won't get burned by a tailpipe.

MEET 'MARIA'

It occurred to me yesterday while searching my data banks for a name for my new toy that it would make sense to name her after the character 'the bride' in The Bride of Frankenstein (for what I believe is an obvious reason). Trouble is, I'm not aware of Elsa Lanchester's (the bride's) character's name in that story. As it turns out, 'the bride' was never given a name. "What a shame." I thunk to myself, "That would have been perfect!" But hold on! In the story, before the character becomes transformed into 'the bride' she is known as Mary Shelley, the same name as the woman who penned the original story Frankenstein. Combine the name 'Mary" with my propensity to convert names into their Spanish translation (Brice = Brico {pronounced bree-koe}) and we have 'Maria'. Combine that with my affection for Hispanic culture in general (not excluding the women!) and we have our name! And, as the frosting on the cake... Green Day and The Gipsy Kings have already provided us with theme songs for her ('Maria' and 'Bem, Bem, Maria' respectively). So, as of today, my bride is Maria, with her 2 white streaks passing through her black hair. A beauty that was created seemingly solely for me... the unlovable and hideous monster that no one else will have... except Kalani.

TEN WORDS I HOPE WILL DEFINE ME AFTER I'M GONE

1- Good sense of humor (I know this is a phrase and not a word, Sissy B! Don't you have a litter to nurse?!) 2- Compassionate (I gotta work on this one, it's easier read than done. Right Doc?) 3- Carefree (yep, I nailed this one!) 4- Wise (I'm a wise-ass, just gotta work on the ass part a little) 5- Dedicated father 6- Reliable 7- Responsible (Back doors can't get pregnant) 8- Honest (Never told a lie) 9- Logical (In all seriousness, Spock is what I aim for but I can't even do the 'live long and prosper' finger thing yet) 10- Sex-a-rific (I think so far I've gotten up to 'sex-a-ho-hum')

WHAZZAT WITH THE WHO NOW?

1- Still haven't found the perfect name for the cycle yet. Keep throwing those names out there please. Remember: There's a prize involved. 2- Are you serious? Glen Beck is going to have a stand up special broadcast like a live concert in select movie theatres across the nation? Are you serious? How big is this guy's ego? I don't keep this joker's endless sarcasm and ignorant ideology (a surefire way to keep school shootings from happening is to arm the teachers!?!?) on the t.v. for 5 seconds when his mindless ramblings are for free. And now someone thinks I will pay to listen to his dribble?! Are you serious?! 3- Don't know what Jessie Jackson said about Barack... don't care. Has anyone taken the good reverend seriously since he read Green Eggs and Ham live on SNL years ago? You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who's life is more meaningful than his. Can we move on already? 4- This is soooo unlike me but... Hellboy II looks pretty cool... yeah, The Dark Night too. I know, I'm a dweeb... but Kalani would still do me. 5- A few of you have asked about the impending move. Looks like it will happen but probably not till next summer. Trying to live on the lake as much as possible until then. 6- Shoulder, elbow, wrist and ribs are getting back to normal. Still haven't gotten back on the mtn bike yet though. I know, I'm a scaredy cat... but Kalani would still do me. 7- Does anyone know when Sissy B's next due date is yet? 8- It's my bed time.

CONGRATS TO SISSY B AND SOLDIER BOY

TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT RIDING IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS

It had been 15 years since I last owned a motorcycle. I had remembered a few key things and am learning or relearning several new ones. 1- Having a 1 seater won't do you any good in taking chicks at the bars who are too drunk to drive on rides back to your place to 'sleep it off'. 2- The power nod/wave (where 2 passing riders acknowledge eachother in some way as a sign of solidarity): Mo-ped, Vespa and other scooters do NOT get acknowledged by bikers. In the same way surfers do not recognize knee-boarders. 3- Real bikers are able to fill up their tanks at the gas station without getting off the seat or getting gas dribbling down the outside of the tank (I'm still working on this one). 4- When popping the clutch from 1st to 2nd, hold on extra tight. 5- Unlike 4 wheel vehicles, turn signals on bikes do not automatically switch off after a turn is made. Be alert, lest people will think you're asian! (I'm still working on this one) 6- If you choose not to wear riding gloves on a sunny Carolina summer day, you will get sunburned from your large knuckles to your wrist. 7- It's always important to make sure your reserve tank switch is on the proper setting so if you run out of gas, you have an extra 1/3rd gallon to get you to the next station (most cycles dont have tank meters to tell you when you're almost out). I've learned this lesson already. 8- If a cop stops you and asks why you were doing 53 in a 35 zone... responding "I am dislexic." doesn't get you out of the ticket (it was worth a shot). 9- It's hard to find the right comfortable riding get-up for the day when it is 55 degrees in the morning on the way to work and 95 degrees on the ride home. 10- Do not, under any circumstances, go into a Harley parts store (even if it is only 1 mile from your home) and ask if they have accessories for a Suzuki.