Bricotrout's Parental Guidebook Ch 1

And so begins a new series at The Nut. I take the lessons that I have learned through my own trials and errors as a single parent and pass them on to you for the greater good. The advice forwarded in Bricotrout's Parental Guidebook is based solely on actual events.

NEVER leave one of those little tiny seemingly harmless tubes of crazy glue on the middle of a dining room table. Even though your two year old has only recently started getting around at more than a snail's pace and despite the fact that there is no possible way on god's green earth that her 2 1/2' frame with her dainty arm reach of no more than 12 inches could reach the center of a dining room table, when you are not looking your child WILL morph into both The Flash and Stretch Armstrong with no warning. And she WILL seek out that tiny, forgetable, uninteresting tube of satan juice of which there was no feasible way for her to have seen on my table first place. She WILL then proceed to open up said tube and liberally aply its contents onto the lid of her eye. And in a nano second later she WILL blink... one time.
Furthermore, she WILL Not enjoy it as you attempt to remove the tube which has been permanently melded to her palm. She WILL kick and scream when she is turned upside down as you put her head under running water in the kitchen sink... no matter what temperature you get the water to. She WILL NOT like you rubbing cotton balls soaked with olive oil every 30 seconds onto her eyelid as poison control advised through muffled laughs "I know she didnt ingest it but certainly this falls into your realm of experetise!!". And you WILL be shaky as hell as you delicately take cuticle scissors (my ex left them when she moved out) and clip off her eyelashes being extremely careful not puncture her tear duct while she naps so that her eye can finally open again.

CHAPTER 1 review:

1- What should you do with a tube of crazy glue when you are done with it if you have a two year old in the house?
2- What supposedly fictional superheroes will your two year old channel when you are not looking?
3- What would Bricotrout never purchase on his own but may be in possesion of anyway as a result of a divorce?
4- What cooking product actually removes crazy glue from flesh if applied by cottonball repeatedly for several hours?