Has Anyone Seen My Brain? (or: Why I'll Be Single Come Tomorrow)

This is a literal transcript from my phone conversation with the woman I love last night. Keep in mind it was quite late and I had smoked first. The topic had somehow drifted into the extremely dangerous waters of comparing my ex-girlfriends. As any man with an ex-girlfriend knows, this is breaking rule #1A of 'The Relationship Banter Hand Book' Sadly, when the subtopic entered the 'weight' category I was oblivious to the red flags, warning flares, air raid sirens and road blocks that were painting the proverbial landscape. I don't deserve to be free from agonizing pain right now...

Me "The only woman I've dated who's skinnier than me is my ex"
Audra "Still, I'd rather be a skinny whore than a fat bitch"
Me "Honey, you're not a fat bitch. You're a fat sweety"

Apparently chewing ice and drinking aren't the issues I should be trying to fix in my life. I should be focusing on the dangerous habit I have of opening my mouth.